Hitting the Wall
Ok.
Real talk.
I have really been struggling lately. Coming home is nice- I get to see everyone I love and have grown up with, but adjusting has still been hard.
Of late, I have been struggling with a few things, and as I have pledged to myself, and my blog readers (you awesome people!) I must be honest with the hard things I am going through too. First of all, my household has doubled since I have left. Now, don't get me wrong- I LOVE PEOPLE. But, my room is being rented out to a Chinese exchange student and the other room that I would normally stay in, well, my sweet grandma and an auntie are living in that space. My dear friends, this leaves me on the couch. Yes, my dog and I are sharing the blessed living room space on our wonderful maroon couches. I have to say, as comfortable as the couches are (they really are comfortable, truly), I really miss having a space to myself. I don't know about you, but having even just a small space to call my own gives me so much respite. Just a place I can go and be able to count on not being interrupted by someone getting a late-night snack or something. A haven, if you will.
A haven is really important to me in order to recharge myself. Which leads me to what I have been struggling with. With some people going to bed late and others waking up super early, I don't get a fully restful night. Anddd that makes me cranky. And irritable. And tumble into old sinful habits because I am tired. Too tired to fight, to tired to flee from temptation, too tired to want to pray about the original issue of being tired in the first place.
So even on a quieter night, I find myself anticipating anyone coming downstairs to disturb me in my sleeping beauty pose and therefore don't sleep peaceably.
But enough about my external issues. I have been struggling MUCH MORE with some internal issues. There has been a battle going on in my mind that exhausts me much more than any strenuous physical situation.
Have you ever felt weary. Just plain old tuckered out? Plumb tired to your core?
Have you ever felt like it is just simply part of your life, like a cycle that you hit that wall of exhaustion every so often?
I do. And friends, that's where I am at today.
Here goes... I have spent an entire week and a half of running out of fuel. My little warning lights have been flaring up; the tiredness, the irritability, and falling into the same stupid, frustrating, gee-I-thought-I-was-over-this-already sins. I get so tired and upset at myself, feeling like this is inevitable to happen again and again and again. It is sure tiring.
But here is the thing about hitting the wall that I am learning. Yes. It makes me mad. It makes me feel dirty and unclean and unworthy of God's grace and mercy and forgiveness. I feel like I am letting people down and letting myself down. Thankfully, God's Holy Spirit has been working on me (even though I have had MANY days this week where I defiantly told God I could take care of it myself, thank you). His Holy Spirit reminded me that letting people down is not the point. That letting myself down is not the point. Maybe even that letting God down is not the point, but that perhaps it was more about taking Jesus with us through our journey and inviting him into more and more moments. Another thought crossed my mind... can we even let God down? I mean, if He knows everything already, He can't be surprised by our actions. So, if God isn't going to be all mad at me, then we have a safe space to move FORWARD. TOWARDS GRACE. TOWARDS MERCY. TOWARDS SANCTIFICATION. As I finallyyy give into God for the millionth time, He has been speaking to me as gently as ever.
He tells me:
Yes, child.
I have grace for you today.
My mercy, should you proactively receive it, will keep you near to me.
My presence will renew you to become more like me today.
I saw what you did. I saw how your heart longed and lusted for something besides me.
But I choose to love you anyway.
Just as you are, today.
Please, trust Me that I won't give up on you.
I know you are scared to.
But look to Me.
I Am Faithful.
I Am Truth.
I Am your Heavenly Father.
I Am love, joy, and peace.
I crave a sweet, constant communion with you, for today, for your whole life, for eternity my dear.
I want to cuddle you with the Light of My Presence.
I want to work through the crusty pains and cry with you
I want to laugh by your side through the joys of life.
Let Me in to love you through and through.
I am not finished with you yet.
I have always chosen you;
I long to have you choose Me too. Yes, yes I do.
So, I am convinced He is a romantic. Just look at the way He loves!
I am stuck here, and I have a choice. I have had a mucky, mire-y week, yet God (again) is extending forgiveness and grace. Do I take his hand? Or do I arm wrestle God for another day of me me me on the throne of running this life here (while completely exhausting myself, I should add)?
Well, when I state it like that, it sure makes the decision seem a lot clearer.
I am humbly reminded that following Christ is an every day choice. And so is hitting the wall.
Until next time,
Melly
Real talk.
I have really been struggling lately. Coming home is nice- I get to see everyone I love and have grown up with, but adjusting has still been hard.
Of late, I have been struggling with a few things, and as I have pledged to myself, and my blog readers (you awesome people!) I must be honest with the hard things I am going through too. First of all, my household has doubled since I have left. Now, don't get me wrong- I LOVE PEOPLE. But, my room is being rented out to a Chinese exchange student and the other room that I would normally stay in, well, my sweet grandma and an auntie are living in that space. My dear friends, this leaves me on the couch. Yes, my dog and I are sharing the blessed living room space on our wonderful maroon couches. I have to say, as comfortable as the couches are (they really are comfortable, truly), I really miss having a space to myself. I don't know about you, but having even just a small space to call my own gives me so much respite. Just a place I can go and be able to count on not being interrupted by someone getting a late-night snack or something. A haven, if you will.
A haven is really important to me in order to recharge myself. Which leads me to what I have been struggling with. With some people going to bed late and others waking up super early, I don't get a fully restful night. Anddd that makes me cranky. And irritable. And tumble into old sinful habits because I am tired. Too tired to fight, to tired to flee from temptation, too tired to want to pray about the original issue of being tired in the first place.
So even on a quieter night, I find myself anticipating anyone coming downstairs to disturb me in my sleeping beauty pose and therefore don't sleep peaceably.
But enough about my external issues. I have been struggling MUCH MORE with some internal issues. There has been a battle going on in my mind that exhausts me much more than any strenuous physical situation.
Have you ever felt weary. Just plain old tuckered out? Plumb tired to your core?
Have you ever felt like it is just simply part of your life, like a cycle that you hit that wall of exhaustion every so often?
I do. And friends, that's where I am at today.
Here goes... I have spent an entire week and a half of running out of fuel. My little warning lights have been flaring up; the tiredness, the irritability, and falling into the same stupid, frustrating, gee-I-thought-I-was-over-this-already sins. I get so tired and upset at myself, feeling like this is inevitable to happen again and again and again. It is sure tiring.
But here is the thing about hitting the wall that I am learning. Yes. It makes me mad. It makes me feel dirty and unclean and unworthy of God's grace and mercy and forgiveness. I feel like I am letting people down and letting myself down. Thankfully, God's Holy Spirit has been working on me (even though I have had MANY days this week where I defiantly told God I could take care of it myself, thank you). His Holy Spirit reminded me that letting people down is not the point. That letting myself down is not the point. Maybe even that letting God down is not the point, but that perhaps it was more about taking Jesus with us through our journey and inviting him into more and more moments. Another thought crossed my mind... can we even let God down? I mean, if He knows everything already, He can't be surprised by our actions. So, if God isn't going to be all mad at me, then we have a safe space to move FORWARD. TOWARDS GRACE. TOWARDS MERCY. TOWARDS SANCTIFICATION. As I finallyyy give into God for the millionth time, He has been speaking to me as gently as ever.
He tells me:
Yes, child.
I have grace for you today.
My mercy, should you proactively receive it, will keep you near to me.
My presence will renew you to become more like me today.
I saw what you did. I saw how your heart longed and lusted for something besides me.
But I choose to love you anyway.
Just as you are, today.
Please, trust Me that I won't give up on you.
I know you are scared to.
But look to Me.
I Am Faithful.
I Am Truth.
I Am your Heavenly Father.
I Am love, joy, and peace.
I crave a sweet, constant communion with you, for today, for your whole life, for eternity my dear.
I want to cuddle you with the Light of My Presence.
I want to work through the crusty pains and cry with you
I want to laugh by your side through the joys of life.
Let Me in to love you through and through.
I am not finished with you yet.
I have always chosen you;
I long to have you choose Me too. Yes, yes I do.
So, I am convinced He is a romantic. Just look at the way He loves!
I am stuck here, and I have a choice. I have had a mucky, mire-y week, yet God (again) is extending forgiveness and grace. Do I take his hand? Or do I arm wrestle God for another day of me me me on the throne of running this life here (while completely exhausting myself, I should add)?
Well, when I state it like that, it sure makes the decision seem a lot clearer.
I am humbly reminded that following Christ is an every day choice. And so is hitting the wall.
Until next time,
Melly
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