Glancing Back

I am reading “You are Already Amazing” by Holley Gerth, and I read what she wrote about a lady who came into her office. 

“She tells of abuse from those who should have protected her. Rejection instead of love. Names called in the privacy of her home…” This broke me. My heart… I could just about hear it shatter. This lady, in the office of a counselor, had to build the courage to say, “I am hurt.” She was afraid. It took all the nerve she could muster. And She cried, because she couldn’t be enough. Not enough to stop the hurt from continuing. Not enough to be accepted and loved well- otherwise, why would these things happen? Why would those charged words be aimed and fired at her, like a gun that’s been shot and fired?? If she was ‘enough,’ then surely she would have been protected by those around her. But no. 

I can relate to her symptoms: Striving, not feeling like I am enough, unprotected, rejected instead of loved, called names in supposed ‘safe places.’ I have felt deeply wounded and hurt. Like I could not deserve anything good. After all was said and done, the only logical thought that seemed to ring true was “you don’t deserve it.” 

But you know what? I looked back today. And it wasn’t a bad thing.

I looked back and realized: I don’t think that anymore. I DO believe that I am enough. I have adopted the Lord’s confidence, and I know this because I no longer feel the weight of trying so hard all of the time.

Note- I don’t feel it all of the time. I still fight it some days, you know not feeling like I am quite enough or that I need to be doing more. The cool realization for me was that I saw that these thoughts were not my normal thoughts anymore. These thoughts no longer dominate my thinking. I am more likely to dwell on how blessed it is to be a Daughter of the King, Loved and Cherished and held close by the One who Made me. 

Y’all, that’s huge! This has been an internal battle forever! As long as I can remember! And now I am FREE. FREE. FREE! It just goes to show that we can take God at His Word. He says that Christ renews our minds, and HE DOES! 

I am NOT sharing this to rub victory in anyone’s face; I am here to share my story that God has brought me through a process that now has changed my perspective. He has brought healing into my heart and mind and I have found contentment in where He has me in this season of life. For those of you who have read blogs like this, and feel like everyone else is getting all the victory- this all takes some TIME. Time is the ingredient that is missing. It’s not that you aren’t enough. It’s not that you aren’t seen by God. Think about all of the years that you have been hurting in this area- so it makes sense. 

God absolutely is powerful enough to fix it all in an instant. And golly, that sounds like it would be great, right?! Yet there is something grown inside of us that is beautiful when we can glance back at our struggles and realize that they are in the past. You gain stamina. You become more resilient. You know that you know God through it, because you have to lean on Him! His character becomes evident in the struggle. 

So to the friend that is struggling right now, whatever it is, God has made a way. Hold onto that. Tie it to your heart and mind and soul, and let it be your strength. Remember that this will take time, and may the freedom of Christ’s sacrifice release you from believing the lie that you are not good enough for God to restore. Remember God is a gentleman. He won’t rush you, and he knows that deep hurt can take time to heal. He is gentle with you in those vulnerable moments. 

Seek His face. Let His truth wash over you. And I believe that one day, you’ll glance back and see how far He has brought you. 

Until next time,
Mel xoxo