Honest Tension
This post will be done in two parts.
I often journal like this; with an earnest outcry of angst and frustration and pain and confusion completely unveiled. It reminds me of the structure of a Psalm, and personally, it comes very naturally to let it all out before letting all of God into what I am walking through.
First, though, I want to apologize. I used to be upset when people talked about others being fake on the internet, not really showing what was truly going on, only sharing highlight reels. I was upset because maybe their lives are going really well, and gosh- shouldn't we just be glad for them?? It never really bothered me much beyond that. But do you know what? Now- well, at least today- my vantage point has shifted in that arena. I have posted the highlight reel on this blog for the last few months. Part of that is that I want to protect and honor what my own internal struggle is- and the people who play a role in that. And frankly, I don't think the interwebs are an appropriate location or space to "dump" our frustrations, unless it can be used to be uplifting, encouraging, or constructively productive.
So, in all hopes to be honest, productive, and forward pulsing, I will write. I have previously made the commitment to be honest with my blog readers, and some of you have been part of this journey for- gosh, almost six years?!? Thank you, for praying me through and listening to the typed words resound into your own lives- for caring enough to click in and listen to the whispers I am leaning in to hear, one day at a time here as I try so honestly to live for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
H O N E S T T E N S I O N
[PART ONE]
There it lay
the honest tension
flowing
surging
breaking through the dam
what looked like placid waters from a distance
suddenly dove off an edge
crashing through
breaking forth
swirling
violent
dancing
drowning.
Both were true.
The calm flowing waters,
just as honest as the sudden break in the pond.
Few saw the shift.
Fewer acknowledged it.
The breaking happened in broad daylight.
Bystanders heard it still in the dark of night.
They walked by
Stepped past
Moved on
Strolled beyond...
But one could not.
She stood at the edge of the water
silenced by its majesty
Enthralled by its vast beauty
Captivated by its strength.
She believed that by standing at the water's edge
She too could become majestic, vast in beauty, filled with wondrous strength.
That perhaps somehow,
the nearness to its greatness
would draw out a transferrable beauty
that she herself could be.
So she walked to the edges of the water.
Back and forth.
Strolling,
Walking,
Studying,
Observing...
Dreaming.
Until she came to the breaking point.
The steady silence
Grew loud.
It screamed into a windy crash of waves.
The water hit her,
Drenched her,
Pools of water flirted toward her toes,
Inviting her into its terror.
[PART TWO]
The frenzy stymied her.
[PART THREE]
Wet, she sat on the tip of a rock
at the edge of the water.
Silence again overtook her
as she breathed from her body into the surrounding air.
Her glazed eyes stared not at the water anymore.
Saw not the strength
Nor the beauty
Nor the majesty...
But instead
All she felt
Were her hard-soaked garments,
heavy, heavy upon her skin.
Hair, disheveled and mop-like,
sticking like strings to her face and neck
in thin, whispy strands,
much like the hope that had mostly washed through
after the dunk she'd undertaken...
Dedicated to those who live and work in the projects. Who have seen what I have seen and allowed themselves to feel deeply that which sometimes seems to great and cyclical to change. Know that your strands of hope are enough- your smile and courage to enter spaces of dried hope bring LIFE, and that Christ can multiply each pray and moment shared with another who needs it.
________________________
Dear God-
I often wonder if I can actually do this.
To look in the eyes of these hurting ones- that ache so much for change, yet see it not. You have placed me with privilege to see this. To witness it firsthand. So help me do something about it!!! My soul feels like it is about to crack in half most days. I am tired and want to exact true change! I want to help! But what I am doing does not seem like enough. The way things are being done, is not sufficient, and I am not satisfied.
I feel inadequate to do this. My cultivated skills and talents have been used for millions of other things. I am being offered things to the right and to the left, and perhaps I do need to shift where my feet are going. But today, I am here. Today, this is the ministry right in front of me; this is my lot.
I am crying out, you must help me. You have brought me peace and provision time and time again. I ask you to remember who you have been and who you promise to be to your children- me and them.
My honest tension lies in this: I do not know why I am here. What am I doing? I see these issues- challenges the predate my own birth, and that will likely march on past my death. Yet my eyes have seen and my ears have heard these cries! I cannot shake the responsibility to try to do something. I want to fight for these causes. But the way you have begun to reveal it is no longer in the capacity I am serving in. You are carving out a new path in the wilderness yet again. How, though, do I shift with you?
You know, I will follow you, Lord.
But know also that shifting to your new directions can make me weary in myself- I have to unlatch from where I have begun to set down roots yet again. Keep me flexible and pliable. I want nothing more than to live fully- as you have promised full life to us in your Word.
I know that I have been wired to see problems- and to pray on their behalf. Help me also to have courage to walk towards problems with courage and grace. Prayerfully, and only moving forward when your anointing is clear over me.
Lord, I love you, and your heart for all people, including me. Help me to continue to have this fire to want to steward things well in Your Name.
I pray all of these things in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
I often journal like this; with an earnest outcry of angst and frustration and pain and confusion completely unveiled. It reminds me of the structure of a Psalm, and personally, it comes very naturally to let it all out before letting all of God into what I am walking through.
First, though, I want to apologize. I used to be upset when people talked about others being fake on the internet, not really showing what was truly going on, only sharing highlight reels. I was upset because maybe their lives are going really well, and gosh- shouldn't we just be glad for them?? It never really bothered me much beyond that. But do you know what? Now- well, at least today- my vantage point has shifted in that arena. I have posted the highlight reel on this blog for the last few months. Part of that is that I want to protect and honor what my own internal struggle is- and the people who play a role in that. And frankly, I don't think the interwebs are an appropriate location or space to "dump" our frustrations, unless it can be used to be uplifting, encouraging, or constructively productive.
So, in all hopes to be honest, productive, and forward pulsing, I will write. I have previously made the commitment to be honest with my blog readers, and some of you have been part of this journey for- gosh, almost six years?!? Thank you, for praying me through and listening to the typed words resound into your own lives- for caring enough to click in and listen to the whispers I am leaning in to hear, one day at a time here as I try so honestly to live for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
H O N E S T T E N S I O N
[PART ONE]
There it lay
the honest tension
flowing
surging
breaking through the dam
what looked like placid waters from a distance
suddenly dove off an edge
crashing through
breaking forth
swirling
violent
dancing
drowning.
Both were true.
The calm flowing waters,
just as honest as the sudden break in the pond.
Few saw the shift.
Fewer acknowledged it.
The breaking happened in broad daylight.
Bystanders heard it still in the dark of night.
They walked by
Stepped past
Moved on
Strolled beyond...
But one could not.
She stood at the edge of the water
silenced by its majesty
Enthralled by its vast beauty
Captivated by its strength.
She believed that by standing at the water's edge
She too could become majestic, vast in beauty, filled with wondrous strength.
That perhaps somehow,
the nearness to its greatness
would draw out a transferrable beauty
that she herself could be.
So she walked to the edges of the water.
Back and forth.
Strolling,
Walking,
Studying,
Observing...
Dreaming.
Until she came to the breaking point.
The steady silence
Grew loud.
It screamed into a windy crash of waves.
The water hit her,
Drenched her,
Pools of water flirted toward her toes,
Inviting her into its terror.
[PART TWO]
The frenzy stymied her.
[PART THREE]
Wet, she sat on the tip of a rock
at the edge of the water.
Silence again overtook her
as she breathed from her body into the surrounding air.
Her glazed eyes stared not at the water anymore.
Saw not the strength
Nor the beauty
Nor the majesty...
But instead
All she felt
Were her hard-soaked garments,
heavy, heavy upon her skin.
Hair, disheveled and mop-like,
sticking like strings to her face and neck
in thin, whispy strands,
much like the hope that had mostly washed through
after the dunk she'd undertaken...
Dedicated to those who live and work in the projects. Who have seen what I have seen and allowed themselves to feel deeply that which sometimes seems to great and cyclical to change. Know that your strands of hope are enough- your smile and courage to enter spaces of dried hope bring LIFE, and that Christ can multiply each pray and moment shared with another who needs it.
________________________
Dear God-
I often wonder if I can actually do this.
To look in the eyes of these hurting ones- that ache so much for change, yet see it not. You have placed me with privilege to see this. To witness it firsthand. So help me do something about it!!! My soul feels like it is about to crack in half most days. I am tired and want to exact true change! I want to help! But what I am doing does not seem like enough. The way things are being done, is not sufficient, and I am not satisfied.
I feel inadequate to do this. My cultivated skills and talents have been used for millions of other things. I am being offered things to the right and to the left, and perhaps I do need to shift where my feet are going. But today, I am here. Today, this is the ministry right in front of me; this is my lot.
I am crying out, you must help me. You have brought me peace and provision time and time again. I ask you to remember who you have been and who you promise to be to your children- me and them.
My honest tension lies in this: I do not know why I am here. What am I doing? I see these issues- challenges the predate my own birth, and that will likely march on past my death. Yet my eyes have seen and my ears have heard these cries! I cannot shake the responsibility to try to do something. I want to fight for these causes. But the way you have begun to reveal it is no longer in the capacity I am serving in. You are carving out a new path in the wilderness yet again. How, though, do I shift with you?
You know, I will follow you, Lord.
But know also that shifting to your new directions can make me weary in myself- I have to unlatch from where I have begun to set down roots yet again. Keep me flexible and pliable. I want nothing more than to live fully- as you have promised full life to us in your Word.
I know that I have been wired to see problems- and to pray on their behalf. Help me also to have courage to walk towards problems with courage and grace. Prayerfully, and only moving forward when your anointing is clear over me.
Lord, I love you, and your heart for all people, including me. Help me to continue to have this fire to want to steward things well in Your Name.
I pray all of these things in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
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