When Change Showed Me Confidence

My eyes are burning with the salt of tears forming again.

It is so beautiful, the journey I am on. This adventure of life that we get to live, with its bends and turns and plot twists...

The burning desire to live a life that is passionately and fully soul-engaging- life abundantly, as the Bible puts it... that is my desire. Nothing. Less.

That driving force compiles me.
It stirs me.
And it meets with a fear that burns just as fiery inside of me.

Today, I took a moment to look back. I have one more week here at the nonprofit I am working at. The one I found along my drive when I was coming home to California the summer I graduated. The one that was the perfect answer to my prayers. The one that left me empty, yet gave me clarity on who I really am created to be. The one where God moved, spoke, and redirected me. And again, I am at the crossroads.

We often talk about taking life one step at a time, which is a riveting way to live! It's supposedly an "in-the-moment" way to live a life of peace. I've got a news flash- I don't find that super peaceful!! It totally, TOTALLY freaks me out. Yet, I find myself living that way more and more. I am learning key pieces to what has become important in making decisions, even when it is via the step-by-step methodology.

This afternoon, in the kitchen at work, I was talking to a co-worker. It reminded me that no matter where I am, small moments matter. Hearing him speak about his life, what he is going through, and being a listening ear was my lunch-break's purpose. I wasn't asking for an opinion, but frankly the way my life's going has stirred up a lot of conversations about following God and doing what we think is "right!" I find it challenging because, you know, every now and then people offer their unsolicited advice. Not saying this co-worker did that, but generally in seasons of transition or change, people give you their two cents like you're out on the streets with a ball cap on the ground playing the violin. I digress. Small moments do matter though.

Another couple of small moments from today came from a verse, Instagram post, and a text from a friend. The past few days, this concept of "confidence coming from God" has come up repeatedly. In response, my heart and mind have been mulling over, "What does confidence coming from God look like when nothing seems to make sense in my life?"

Admittedly, that same co-worker and I were talking about this topic, and I confessed that one of the things God is revealing to my heart in a very tangible way is that my confidence sometimes can lean on what I am doing, where I am working, and what I accomplish. So now that I am in a transition, I am releasing that stability. YIKES. My reality is that I no longer know what I am doing in exactly one week, where I will be living, or what kind of work I will be able to contribute to. Honestly, it is uncomfortable and terrifying.

But remember that fire I talked about at the beginning?
The burning desire to live a life that is passionately and fully soul-engaging- life abundantly, as the Bible puts it... that is my desire. Nothing. Less.
My decisions this past week have felt bigger than the slab of stone in Yosemite National Park, El Capitan! Yet in the whispering moments of my quiet time with God, when I demanded of myself to make space and reflect on what truly did and didn't set my soul ablaze (because trust me, many things do!!!), I gained clarity on what I could afford to say 'no' to. Now, that is NOT the answer I wanted. I wanted to find out WHAT to do, not what not to do! But like inventing the light bulb, sometimes we have to have courage to try a path or process out to get one step closer to what it is that we finally get to say yes to. Saying no to something that is good, but not the best- that takes courage! But it also makes space for the fullness of your destiny to break forth. I really, really believe that.

This heap of change in front of me yet again is bringing me back to who I am to the core. Because of my faith background, I am noticing that a lot of the pieces of the decision-making process include going before God in times of prayer and reading over journal entries, where I have recorded these case studies of God's faithfulness in my life. I can look over my own notes on my own life, and see what things frustrated me, but also what brought life and excitement to my days! In a lot of ways, I feel as though God speaks to me and guides me through those journal entries, drawing my attention to the natural way that I think and work- and perhaps more importantly, how I come back into His Presence through it all. I can notice the types of activities and spaces that lead my heart back to what matters- Him. His Presence. Living a life of joy and peace- I can see clearly that comes from being with Him, and in His will. It's not about what my job's been, or where I've been located, or what I was able to accomplish and how I could prove my worth by some measurement of value that I could add. It was when I was in step with what the Holy Spirit asked of me, the response of my 'yes,' and the return to my simple, "Here I am" that God has been responding so faithfully to over the course of the years. In the midst of my heaps of change, God is showing me the variable of true confidence has come from His Presence. My worries- they have been pretty constant too. But like the Psalmist writes, why do we worry about what we eat, or what we will wear? Check out the sweet lilies in the field- God knows how to take care of them, AND they are fabulously cared for, those ornate lil thangs. That is totally paraphrased. And totally speaks to my heart! Because isn't that the God we serve?! Yes, I am going to work hard and do everything I can to make whatever it is that's next be a success! I am hard wired that way! But for me, God has reminded me that He is the main dealio. He is the one who brings it all together anyway! He's the one who makes it beautifully fabulous like dem lilies in da field. So when life swarms its concerns and changes and I want to be paralyzed by fear and uncertainty, I can breath and know that the one thing that matters, at the end of the day, is that God is faithful and I am in line with His plan. Boom. Done. End of story. He's got this! He's got me. He's the confidence- both the source and the reason.

So, I took some time this afternoon to look back. In doing so, I looked back on this blog, which has been a precious healing ministry to my own soul, as well as a place to share my story- which I hope continues to inspire those of you who take the time to read it.

As I looked back, tears burned the edges of my eyelids. Why? Because God has been faithful and has blessed me indeed. I have all the proof I need to know that He has had His hand over my life, and has guided me thus far. That is my confidence. Frankly, all else seems like it has been stripped away. I still feel crazy most days, about these choices I am making. But I know that I am preparing by making space for myself to take a leap toward the actual dreams God has put in my heart. It is the dream he has been nurturing and building on for years. It is the dream that is so, so much bigger than myself, but the one I think about every single day of my existence. I cannot wait to share it with you! It is the dream that, I pray, will heal hearts, create space for joy and light in people's souls, and will free them to run after whatever it is that will engage their whole self in this life- soul and all! I pray that the small bits of courage (they seemed big then, and boy do they seem small now)- I pray that the courage leading up to this moment will collectively build up into just enough courage for this next part of the adventure!

Thank you all, as always, for being part of the journey. For witnessing the ride of life. For being willing to stop and observe how God is working in this crazy girl's life. I hope you are inspired. Because you were made to live life so, so fully.

Bravely Yours,
Mel xoxox