The Blues
Hey friends!
It has been a couple of weeks, but you know, sometimes life is pulsing forward at 189388394993938 billion miles an hour!
On my last post, I said that I would be sharing what I am honestly going through- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Working up the courage to do that while going through it all was quite the mountain, but today I am finally ready to face it.
Before I start, I want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed over me, for me, and about me. While I don't want my life to be all about me (it's got to be all about Him!) I am recognizing that being humble enough to ask people to REALLY pray for you and what you are battling spiritually is uber powerful. It is okay to ask for prayer for yourself.
End of soapbox speech...
The first of my present struggles was this: I have felt sad. Like, really, truly sad and blue for no apparent reason. I am typically a pretty joyful person; the littlest things can totally make my day. Like a butterfly or someone randomly giving me a piece of chocolate or a just-because hug from a friend. But for a couple of weeks now, I have felt incredibly sad and tired.
Sometimes, I would feel left out because I was in meetings when friends wanted to do fun things, or I was working. I felt out of the loop with some close friends and felt like things began to drift. My heart ached. I felt tired and frustrated that our relationships were not the same anymore. That our priorities were different and I didn't feel like I could keep up with these girls- emotionally or physically because of my intense job and school focuses. And to be fair, I was still learning (and still am learning...) how to be an RA.
This next part pains me. It is painful because it happened, and because now I feel like I need to share this- because maybe you or someone you know is going through this.
After feeling so separated from the people I was close to, I shut down and shut them out. I did not want to see anyone. I felt hurt and (as dramatic as it is) abandoned. Growing up, I had friends who said they would be there but they always left. Being left high and dry when I needed them made me a bit hardened and a lot skeptical. It wasn't all my friends' fault- I understand that relationships are a two-way street. But what made this all the more strained was that I had let my fears and hurts from the past keep me from reaching out for help and leaning on them. I didn't see that in those moments.
So, I let myself hurt and ache and assume abandon. I began to feel too far gone, to sad and in too much in a dark place. Why would I want to bring anyone into that? I didn't want to scare them off, even though they said that they would stand with me through thick and thin.
I think the hardest part of all of this has been that I was not feeling like myself and I didn't exactly know why. I mean, even now as I reflect, I can kind of guess... but I am not sure what started this all and what made me feel or think this way in the first place. So when a couple of girls came up to me and asked what was wrong, I had nothing to say. I didn't actually know. I just knew something was terribly wrong.
And then I spent time dwelling on what was wrong with me.
Boy. That can take you down a sad, lonely, dark path.
I have always struggled with the line of constructively assessing yourself (in order to make progress and learn from your mistakes or shortcomings) and aggressively critiquing and tearing yourself down.
Take a deep breath. I know this isn't the most uplifting piece of literature you could be reading right now. It is raw, it is my real, and it is a little bit heavy. But stick with me for a little longer.
stick with me for a little longer...
That right there. That is what God is calling us to. We all hit the pits. You know, that place in life where you feel along or worn out or tired or exhausted or hopeless. But you remember once believing that God is good, that He loves you, and He sustains you. That He has a plan for you and that He delights so much when He blesses you. Go back to that place. Tell God if you are struggling to believe those promises again, in this season. Mark 9:24 is famous for saying, "I do believe! Help me in my unbelief!" God can move even with a statement like that.
Friends, Christians can get sad. We can get the blues. And sometimes, the blues stay longer than we want them to. But like everything, we need to, we have to, we must bring them diligently before the Lord.
I want so badly to tell you that I am all better and don't have days or weeks that I still feel sad. But that would be lying. I do have sad days, not because of something unfortunate that happens, but just because I am sad.
But I can say this. God is good. All the time. In the sad times, He is just as good. When I feel it, He is good, and when I don't feel it- or even if I don't feel Him at all... Yeah, He is still good.
Learning to trust people is not going to be the easiest task for me. Not shutting them out as a defense mechanism won't likely be a banished characteristic overnight. Being happy all of the time is probably not going to be a realistic expectation for the rest of my life. But in all things, I can give thanks to Him who is good and sovereign and King. I can remember that He is unchanging.
"He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
Bringing honor to His name.
Even thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff,
They comfort me..."
~Psalm 23:3-4
I want to end with a point of action: Pray. Take a minute to pray for someone who might be going through a valley of sadness, depression, or tiredness. Sometimes, they run out of strength to pray for themselves, even though it is when they need it most. Lift them up, and if it is you that is going though this valley, I am praying for you. God knows who you are, he sees you, and He will prove faithful and good and true. Just stick with it a little bit longer, because this too shall pass.
It has been a couple of weeks, but you know, sometimes life is pulsing forward at 189388394993938 billion miles an hour!
On my last post, I said that I would be sharing what I am honestly going through- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Working up the courage to do that while going through it all was quite the mountain, but today I am finally ready to face it.
Before I start, I want to say thank you to everyone who has prayed over me, for me, and about me. While I don't want my life to be all about me (it's got to be all about Him!) I am recognizing that being humble enough to ask people to REALLY pray for you and what you are battling spiritually is uber powerful. It is okay to ask for prayer for yourself.
End of soapbox speech...
The first of my present struggles was this: I have felt sad. Like, really, truly sad and blue for no apparent reason. I am typically a pretty joyful person; the littlest things can totally make my day. Like a butterfly or someone randomly giving me a piece of chocolate or a just-because hug from a friend. But for a couple of weeks now, I have felt incredibly sad and tired.
Sometimes, I would feel left out because I was in meetings when friends wanted to do fun things, or I was working. I felt out of the loop with some close friends and felt like things began to drift. My heart ached. I felt tired and frustrated that our relationships were not the same anymore. That our priorities were different and I didn't feel like I could keep up with these girls- emotionally or physically because of my intense job and school focuses. And to be fair, I was still learning (and still am learning...) how to be an RA.
This next part pains me. It is painful because it happened, and because now I feel like I need to share this- because maybe you or someone you know is going through this.
After feeling so separated from the people I was close to, I shut down and shut them out. I did not want to see anyone. I felt hurt and (as dramatic as it is) abandoned. Growing up, I had friends who said they would be there but they always left. Being left high and dry when I needed them made me a bit hardened and a lot skeptical. It wasn't all my friends' fault- I understand that relationships are a two-way street. But what made this all the more strained was that I had let my fears and hurts from the past keep me from reaching out for help and leaning on them. I didn't see that in those moments.
So, I let myself hurt and ache and assume abandon. I began to feel too far gone, to sad and in too much in a dark place. Why would I want to bring anyone into that? I didn't want to scare them off, even though they said that they would stand with me through thick and thin.
I think the hardest part of all of this has been that I was not feeling like myself and I didn't exactly know why. I mean, even now as I reflect, I can kind of guess... but I am not sure what started this all and what made me feel or think this way in the first place. So when a couple of girls came up to me and asked what was wrong, I had nothing to say. I didn't actually know. I just knew something was terribly wrong.
And then I spent time dwelling on what was wrong with me.
Boy. That can take you down a sad, lonely, dark path.
I have always struggled with the line of constructively assessing yourself (in order to make progress and learn from your mistakes or shortcomings) and aggressively critiquing and tearing yourself down.
Take a deep breath. I know this isn't the most uplifting piece of literature you could be reading right now. It is raw, it is my real, and it is a little bit heavy. But stick with me for a little longer.
stick with me for a little longer...
That right there. That is what God is calling us to. We all hit the pits. You know, that place in life where you feel along or worn out or tired or exhausted or hopeless. But you remember once believing that God is good, that He loves you, and He sustains you. That He has a plan for you and that He delights so much when He blesses you. Go back to that place. Tell God if you are struggling to believe those promises again, in this season. Mark 9:24 is famous for saying, "I do believe! Help me in my unbelief!" God can move even with a statement like that.
Friends, Christians can get sad. We can get the blues. And sometimes, the blues stay longer than we want them to. But like everything, we need to, we have to, we must bring them diligently before the Lord.
I want so badly to tell you that I am all better and don't have days or weeks that I still feel sad. But that would be lying. I do have sad days, not because of something unfortunate that happens, but just because I am sad.
But I can say this. God is good. All the time. In the sad times, He is just as good. When I feel it, He is good, and when I don't feel it- or even if I don't feel Him at all... Yeah, He is still good.
Learning to trust people is not going to be the easiest task for me. Not shutting them out as a defense mechanism won't likely be a banished characteristic overnight. Being happy all of the time is probably not going to be a realistic expectation for the rest of my life. But in all things, I can give thanks to Him who is good and sovereign and King. I can remember that He is unchanging.
"He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
Bringing honor to His name.
Even thought I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Your rod and your staff,
They comfort me..."
~Psalm 23:3-4
I want to end with a point of action: Pray. Take a minute to pray for someone who might be going through a valley of sadness, depression, or tiredness. Sometimes, they run out of strength to pray for themselves, even though it is when they need it most. Lift them up, and if it is you that is going though this valley, I am praying for you. God knows who you are, he sees you, and He will prove faithful and good and true. Just stick with it a little bit longer, because this too shall pass.
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