To Be Great

Usually, I would shy away from saying something like this.

This evening, I am sitting in a small, woodsy cafe called Blackbird Cafe in Evergreen, Colorado. It's beautiful here! The sun is setting over Evergreen Lake (which, yes, is totally a real place and is absolutely as magical as it sounds). I went for a three mile run to clear my head and heart before sitting to share my heart with you, on these pages, with these typed words.

I have put my two weeks notice in for the job I prayed for all of college. I have been here a mere three months, and have prayed that God would give me clarity and show me how to love the people of Denver well. I have prayed for growth and for a challenge. For a place where I can utilize my nonprofit business degree, do ministry, and be a missionary to people right here in the U.S.A.- to my own neighbors. I have prayed for a place where I could further His Name, and where I would be positioned to be strengthened in my faith. I prayed for God to write this story in a way that would only make sense by supernatural intervention. And sure enough, I have a wild story to tell because of it.

Yet here I am. Here I am. Those words again, they return to me over and over. Heneni... I have been working in the job that I thought was my wildest dream, come true as my reality. And I feel empty.

I feel like there is a gaping hole- like I am missing something... but what?

I have wrestled and squirmed at this for over a month and a half now, noticing that there is this discomfort from knowing that there is something here, but I am not to be here for long. Okay- that's pretty vague though, right? Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you needed to make a change? But you weren't sure what it was? Or maybe you just knew that you needed to step down or away- but you couldn't pinpoint why?

That's exactly where I have landed today. Some days, I admit to myself, "Wow, I really love ministry and want to spend every hour of every day discipling and loving people." And other moments, I long for my own business that I can create flexible hours for, something that will be an avenue to be generous to help those in need. I want to give freely and steward my time and finances well on earth in a way that reflects the heart of Heaven.

Other days, I want to blog all day. To write the millions of beautiful things God shows my heart every day. I want to inspire the best readers in the world (ahem, YOU) that they can be madly, radically in love with Jesus, and also be mad at him sometimes, frustrated, at peace, and confused. Knowing full well that God Almighty who holds the world in His hands can hold you and your wonderings in his hands in the most perfectly capable way.

I want to encourage people- and myself- to live in an authentic way. Fully alive and fully free. And I know that sounds great, but I often wonder, "How do I even do that? I am just me."

Can I say something else???

This is hard.

And I am afraid to fail. I hate failing. I hate disappointing people- and disappointing myself. I fear not being enough, not being loved for who I am fully. Am I learning that fear is necessary for growth and can actually be beneficial? Absolutely. But it doesn't make it that much easier to take risks! God is continuing a healing work in me, and I am learning more about where my hope and identity comes from- what truly defines me and what does not. And I am learning that there is grace for me as I grow. Even if the growth is a little terrifying at first.

So after my run today around the gorgeous Evergreen Lake, I sat down at the cutest cafe chair with a stunningly unannounced oaky caramel table. I breathed. There are purple and red flowers in a petite vase to my right, sitting on the window sill. Just through the window pane, is a bubbling stream, barely glistening as the sun finishes setting behind the mountains. The sweet blonde waitress who seated me is standing on the other end chatting with happy patrons near the fireplace at the end of the restaurant and the warm lighting from the scattered industrial bulbs casts a happy glow around the smiles around the room.

I take a deep breath and hear my own inner ache. I want to be great. What? That sounded like such a selfish thought in my head, but it was so honest. And I realized that me, stepping down from my job, felt like failure in a lot of ways. It felt like I was giving up, letting others down, letting myself down that I couldn't change the organization and raise 5 million dollars for them in three months while I adjusted to a new city and phase of life. (Anyone else give themselves super hard and sometimes unrealistic expectations???) But it wasn't failure.

I also felt the fear creep up into me about my next step. I could allow those feelings to lead me to feel and stay anxious. But I decided to listen to them, and press in. Why was I afraid of my next step? What did I already know about myself and my hopes for the future that made me feel fearful about what was to come? And that's when it hit me again. I want to be great. And maybe, that wasn't so wrong?

Luckily, there are more than one of us that come to a realization that we do want to be great. In Christian circles, it can feel condemning to be "great," like you'll be put under so much scrutiny and perhaps will become too prideful. So full of pride that you won't fit into the small little eye of the needle and gosh, then you'd be stuck outside of the eye of the needle and then you won't ever be able to see what's really important in life because your new greatness has blinded you. Yada, yada.
Then there's the whole, "Do everything with excellence" kind of great, that sometimes implies a perfectionist Christian expectation on us- which makes it hard to be human and Christian. This, from my observation leads many of us to a kind of legalistic, rigid form of faith practice. I often fear that this kind of engagement in faith, with such expectation of perfectionism almost puts a divide between our actions and loving God with all our heart, mind, sou and strength. It whittles faith down to just loving God with our strength. Just an observation, but yikes.

So where does that leave us? Where does that leave me, right now, in this cafe near the mountains?

My heart is drawn to a passage in 1 Chronicles 11, specifically to verse 9.

"And David became greater and greater, for the Lord of hosts was with him."

Preceding 1 Chronicles 11, in chapter 10, Saul is highlighted as having died because of his breach of faith. He didn't keep the commands of the Lord (we know that is important, and many of us with a church background have had that part driven home quite a bit in this generation), and he also broke faith, consulted a medium, and did not seek the Lord for guidance. Gosh, I could dive in so deep, and in so many directions with that passage alone!!! But you see, that is the backdrop before David is anointed king over Israel- Saul, who once was considered great, has a breach of faith and then is brought low in a horrific, un-glorifying death. And then David begins to build, God gives him favor, and as we read then in verse 9, he becomes greater and greater. Why? The Lord of hosts was with him.

And David is not condemned for being great here. Which, naturally, I find quite interesting. The author doesn't seem to be afraid to write that Saul did some things that the readers should steer clear from. But David... he increases in this greatness. And his greatness came from the One who arranged the stars in the sky, the Sovereign God who appointed him over the nation of Israel, was with David. My soul is so fascinated that David became greater and greater but not particularly for what he achieved. It seems that it was more about the condition of his heart and of the company that he kept. We know that later on, David is called a man after God's own heart. He is applauded and, to this day, admired for the close communion he has with God- whether in despair or joyous or caught in sin or caught in the cleft of a rock fleeing those pursing to kill him. But that all comes later! For now, he is still becoming greater.

What's particularly beautiful to me as I read this in my personal season of transition and trying to discern change with my normal bend of being fearful of "messing up," is that God is a kind god, and He wants to continue to be near to me. The Lord of hosts desires to be with me, amidst my uncertainty. How sweet is that? That I can acknowledge my desire to be great, I can bring that before God. I can submit that desire as one that can be aligned with what He would have. I think from this last season I am learning to pray a little more of the Lord's prayer- the part where Jesus says, "Not my will, but THY will be done." God, I acknowledge my desire to be great! Yet I believe it is because we are created in His image and it should be the kind of greatness that leads to more greatness because it comes from the Lord of hosts being with us in all that we do.

So as I wrap up, it is not bad to want to be great. Having re-read my last post, Honest Tension, part of the tension I feel is wondering what to do with what I have seen. I feel responsible for what I do in response to what I witness. I also know that I feel called to business, and to ministry, and to many other things- and that God knows that. I don't have to stay afraid because even in the last few months, I have grown and learned more about the woman God has made me to be. I am a little bit more confident and a lot more convinced that there is MORE ahead of me, great things, I might even say!!!

I hope this honest outpour of my heart in this season blesses someone. As always, I am praying for you, and am remaining hopeful for what's ahead, knowing that we plan for things in life, but ultimately, God does guide our steps. And He is really quite good at doing that.

Blessings from Evergreen,
Melly xoxox